wrong book

oiya oiya, mo crita, dulu kan sempet beli buku di kinokuniya, judged from the author and as suggested by many good reviews printed on the back cover, I thought it should be a terrific storyline like his other books were. Much to my disappointment, it turned out to be a real yawner. I was bored as hell when I read it and I didn't finish the book. My first record of not having finished reading a novel. The whole time I was reading that book I was like "Man, what are you trying to say? I don't get you. Is it me? Am I too dumb?" Yah kecewa sih, I mean he's one of my fave authors!! Love his books. Apparantly not the one I bought here. Yappari, Japan hahaha ga nyambung !#$"#&%

ps: Oh, the book is titled "Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coelho.

uh-oh

eh lah kok??... piye toh?! why am I still assigned projects scheduled for September?? doh eigyou san gw.. looks like he hasn't dropped the bomb yet haha ya itu, pas kemaren lusa meeting, kaget aja, pas dikasi projects buat bulan ini, bulan besok ma bulan besoknya lagi. Hiks mana gw dikasi 3 solo projects pula, huhu I'm so sorry, such a dilemma. It never crossed my mind before, even the faintest idea that I would feel sorry like this. I mean, I've been counting day after day for Sep 3 to come, and finally when I'm getting near to it, I'm having this pretty much disturbing feeling.

Salah satu solo project yg diserahin ke gw, project yg pertama buat mrk. Blom ada org yg test tu application before. So it's kinda huge. Sebenernya gw uda dikasi projectnya berbulan2 yg lalu, pas march to be exact. Tp baru aja bikin test case-nya uda di-stop, soalnya ktnya mo direlease version baru jd drpd nge-test dua kali mending nunggu yg baru skalian. So it was stopped half way. Waktu itu, gw cuman jd supporting tester doank, jd cuman bantu2in senpai gw. Nah skrng, that halfway-stopped project itu diserahin ke gw. Seneng sih, soale itu kan like debut project buat mrk n it's a challenge too for me. Ga da sample test-nya gile, gw mesti bikin dr scratch. Berat sih tp drpd gw ngantuk hayo huahahha Tp sayang, project nya di-scheduled buat September hiks Buat bulan ini ma august, I've got my hands full hoorayy seneeng, jd ga sempet mikirin yg aneh2 bin ajaib.

Duh tp ya itu, klo gw masi dischedule-in buat sep, berarti mrk still have no clue whatsoever klo gw mau n harus cabut dr sono. Bener2 ga enak gw jadinya, yg paling gw takutin tuh klo nanti dipanggil trus ditanya2in hiks gimana doonk?? gw tuh paling ga bs di-confront kyk gitu. Klo isa milih sih maunya langsung cabut diem2, ga usa ngomong apa2 hahaha duh jd ya skrng gw tinggal pasrah nunggu dipanggil boss. Yg bikin gw kesel tuh si eigyou san napa ga kasitau mrk jauh2 hari coba. Kan at least mrk bs nyari org baru lg, trus ga usa repot2 bikin schedule buat gw hhh Tambah ga enak lagi ya itu td, mrk kyknya dah percaya ma gw, ampe dikasi banyak solo projects (including lead rapat2nya jg, I hate this part ngomong jpng aja masi belepotan lah ini disuru lead meetingnya *panic* ) I think I'll just have to face them when it comes.
If I think how am I gonna go through the upcoming months, it gives me chill literally. There's so much to give up and I don't think I'm ready yet. Kyk soal kerjaan. Takut aja, ntar klo mesti nunggu berbulan2 lg gmn? that and other things too. Ya tau sih tau klo those are for the better. tp iyaa klo better klo worse piye??? aaargh!!

Sounds simple for everyone else I guess, but yeah I'm different, I'm weird and I'm umm not proud of it *grunt* yaa coba klo gw bisa take it easy kyk org lain. Huaaa life would be soo much better.
uda nyoba sih tp ttp aja ga isa, ee bisa ding cuman dikit. Step by step kali yee Kadang suka iri ma org laen, contohnya klo soal kerjaan, segimana ga enaknya masi isa dibawa ketawa, trus ga dipikirin terus. lah gue, sekalinya ada masalah ja, mo mandi makan jalan2 tidur pun gue pikirin. hegh.. Eneg gua. I tend to overthink everything. Huh my nature. !#$%#!

random thought

no matter how I turned it around or dressed it up, the excuse offered still sounds a bit off to me. Hmmphh.. eva's wrath huahaha... (no, kidding)... but seriously, I don't buy it at all.
....................................................
you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't you? good...
as usual, a weird and stupid thought popped just like that.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

hey, been thinking lately, by the time I'm through here, in this !@#@!$%ing country Japan, I'm sure as hell I'll be too bushed to see straight let alone think!! So, I'm wondering whether I'll need to put my life on hold a couple of weeks and set off to a very much anticipated getaway, and perhaps I'll see then what I can do afterward.

Uganda, Kenya, and Ireland are what I have in mind right now. Wait... Uganda and Kenya?? Am I gradually losing my mind? Pretty much so I guess hahaha....
Teaching English to the locals in Uganda while spending my free time absorbing the I-believe-breathtaking views or taking care of HIV patients + teaching English in Kenya. Either way, Ireland will still mark the end of my traveling, hopefully, next year. For the time being, 65% goes to Kenya ^^

Can I actually go there? We'll see...
Part of the reasons why I'm considering volunteer traveling over ordinary traveling is bcoz I think I've been too hard on myself lately and a bit demanding - which is good on other case but unfortunately not on this one. I don't really appreciate what I have. The traveling thing came out from it, from my being ungrateful enough and I admit it. So I need to do something about this or else I'll end up being !@#@%*ed up. I hope by teaching and helping those who are less fortunate will somehow do me any good and miraculously shape my character a bit haha. By lending a hand, it will make me feel human again khukhu... *duh!! like I'm not human already??*

err...

Things that happened lately indirectly exposed me for the weak, spoiled, self-centered individual that I am. Many times had I spent my days feeling sorry for myself, unsatisfied with everything. It's from something inside and I need to get away from here and go somewhere else. TRAVELING!!! If everything goes well, if He says yes, then... 11 months left to freedom!!!

Often in the quiet hours of the night or during idle time of the day when the distractions slip away that I realize I have absolutely no control over things.

Few minutes ago, I looked up at the sky, people say there are few places in the world where stars shine brighter. Certainly not in Tokyo.

skagit valley

Haah~ I HAVE to go there! I can spend hours and hours just for watching those stunningly beautiful tulips ::excited::
And here I am, keying* this blog and smiling to myself. Can't help it!! Skagit Valley, I have to go there... I will say this over and over again hahaha.. I don't want to go alone tho, I wanna share the moment with someone I hold dear.. ::at that time ^^::
Have added Skagit Valley to my wish list.. Yosh!!

*well, hackers tend to use this term rather than using the word 'typing'. Hm no, i'm not a hacker. I don't even have the slightest idea of how to hack khukhu.. But there's this book by Jeffrey Denver, Blue Nowhere, and I loovvee this book. It's all about hacker's world. Read it if you have time. Highly recommended ^^

:: but hey, why do i bother explaining this? ::

a stunning view

You know that i hate my job, right? but there's one thing that i know I would miss badly if I stop working in shinjuku. Morning view, that is. Especially today. Just one block away from my office building, i was mesmerized by this particular building far away. An ancient, castle-like building. I didn't notice it before, or else, maybe i did see it but looks like it appeared as a mere building like any other building in shinjuku. So what makes it special today? Well, yesterday Tokyo had an all day shower. As for today, it's not raining, but we have a cloudy, "gloomy" sky. Very solemn haha And apparently, yesterday's weather and today's greyish sky added something to that building.
I saw a fog covering the top of the building, and black birds flying... hovering, also near the top. Can you believe it? With all the fog, greyish sky, black birds, it was almost like being transported to Transylvania and gazing at Dracula's castle itself *um okay.. exaggerating a bit ^^*
But yeah... that's what I thought when i saw it, but of course i had to throw the people around me out of the picture first hihi
hhh i wish i had my camera with me. That, certainly, would make a great picture.

:: back to work... sleepy ::

sleepless night

aarrghh panic mode!!! So today, at 1 o'clock, i have to do a presentation *in japanese... hiks* how am i supposed to do it? I'm not proud of my japanese skill. I rarely speak to my colleagues let alone explain something technical, and yet my senpai still want me to do it *sigh* guess i have no option. We'll see how it goes hahaha hope it's not a disaster since i don't really enjoy speaking in public ^^; goshh... now it's 3.50 am and i've already had all these butterflies inside ughh... PANIC!!! i thought about practicing yesterday, but a thought is a thought. Instead, watching movie was all i did up until now.. huaaa my bad!!

practice... practice...
ciao~
::damn sleepy::

a rare moment at tutoring

See I've been tutoring a 12-year-old boy named Michael for about 2 months now. He's half japanese half american. The thing with Mikey is, he's so unpredictable you just cannot let your guard down.　Da first time I met him, he was being all nice and sweet. A sheepish kind of attitude.　And I thought, "well, looks like I'm not gonna have a hard time with him. Let's see how our first lesson will be." And finally the first lesson itself. It was pretty much as I thought it was going to be, given the first impression of a really nice boy, he was easy to teach despite the lack of concentration...

Okay so now the second lesson. I started to change my mind a bit, the third lesson... I was like, "Jesus, please I beg You, if someday I have a son, don't let him be like Mikey." So not cute *I mean the attitude*. Well, he often drives me crazy but he knows for sure how to lift up my mood haha that lil jerk. If he senses something wrong with the way I talk, he is quick to ask for a short break and do a "21" game hahaha I do loovee~ that game. A math game by the way. So, in the end, even though he often shows some attitude and I get so stressed out in teaching him, I cannot really dislike him. The frenzy's going on for sure, but amidst all that, there's always one little moment that keeps my sanity intact hihi...

Having been through all lessons marked with little stress, there's no wonder I found the last session two days ago somewhat extraordinary. He asked me to watch him practicing for the exhibition night this Friday *wait... is it today??* He's been doing the research about chemicals for the past two weeks and I helped him on the power point. So yesterday he said, "eva, you don't have to do anything today, just sit and watch me!" I was like yeah, ookaayy... ^^. To be honest, I was touched when he asked me that. He said he waited for me to practice together *ooh Mikey~~* that alone was enough to brighten the rest of that day.
Then he did the presentation *soo damn cute hihi* if I were the teacher, I would gladly give him a perfect score just for being cute *giggle* He made me laugh and during the break he taught me weird dancing hoh so much fun!! He said as many as 100 people will come to the exhibition *wish him good luck*

The fact that he waited for me to do the presentation made me happy, but every now and then when I think of his mom, it is so heartbreaking. A couple of weeks ago, he showed me a jumbo deck he got as a reward for earning most points at school. It was obvious that I was the first person to be told the news. I mean, hey it wasn't like she wasn't at home before I got there. He told me right away the moment he saw me, but why didn't he tell her first?
He kept babbling 'bout it, looked real proud. So imagine if you were his mom and not being the first to know, that your son wasn't willing to eagerly tell you what happened at school... What exactly would you feel? A certain heartbreak if it is for me. So who is to be blamed? Mother or son? Oh but of course it is easy to be an observer. About the real hardship in having kids? Well... no idea. I just hope, when the time comes, I'm able to do it right.

bad day

ok let's see... I started the day by "gracefully" falling off the stairs, amidst the heavy rain... my pants were all wet, nice! Then, as if that wasn't enough already, my umbrella was broken. And the train itself! God.. today was unusually crowded. I could barely breathe. People had to REALLY squeeze their way out of train. I've been in one packed train before, but that was nothing compared to today's. Perfect you think? Hahaha... Wait! Just when I finally got to my seat, my senpai... !@#$% hhh she really got on my nerves. I guess being patience, humble and not easily angered is not that easy. Once you've determined to do so, there's always something happens that tests your patience. Oh dear.

Old flame

So tired. No matter how hard I try, that scar, it's still there. I'm still licking my wound. Guess it will stay there for quite a long time, geez. Can't help it, having an emotion breakdown and it happens over and over again. And you know what, the worst of it is that I cannot predict when that will strike me. I'm caught off-guard. Awful thought pops-up just like that, the tears keep coming out and I can only make one good point about it. It is easier to fall asleep hahaha I will eventually get tired and sleepy and off I go to the dreamland khukhukhu

ow btw, my brother finally made it ^^ yay~ great

:: Pray... keeps you strong ::

Cutest puppy... I want him

Yesterday we had a small party at my place. It was quite fun. I made okonomiyaki hahaha Here's the pic.
Me and ellen had okonomiyaki for our lunch two times in just 3 days. Kinda sick of it ^^ Oh and we tried to make tiramisu too with no success, of course ;p

On our way back from the station, I took a picture of the sweetest creature ever. There's this 'lil pink pet shop in machida, in front of Kaldi, a store that sells imported goods. Well, I saw the white puppy, really cute, adorable, he easily caught my attention and I just stared at him. We walked pass the pet shop on the way to the station, and I took a mental note to take a pic of him on my way back.

Broken wings

You know what, sometimes I wonder will my being faithful ever be paid off or not. It's so tiring, to face each day. God... how I want to laugh and smile like I used to. But I do believe You can heal me and mend my wings, no doubt *yoosshh^^*

They say, if things get worse and worse, give thanks and praise the Lord. If you're able to do that, then you are being humble before God. Can I? It is so hard to do that without questioning God. But then, who am I to question Him?

For today and tomorrow

for two people who mean a lot to me

**********************************
God blessings be with you always, in every step you take.
Grow wiser and be of a good courage and your heart shall be strengthened.
**********************************

Relaxing... doing nothing... sleepy...

Had i known today would be a day without doing literally anything, i would have prepared more. Really, everyone who isn't from outsourcing company, is attending meeting, from 10 to 11 am and another round from 1 pm till 5 pm! And there are only 4 of us from outsourcing company, so you can imagine we are sort of partying silently in the office hihi browsing freely... yeah! Wish i had some snacks... chipsss...

eva's wish list ^^

** jump from a helicopter **
THAT would be awesome! I've been wondering what it feels like to fly, and parachuting from a helicopter is the closest thing to flying that I can imagine. Of course there are other options too, say, handgliding, etc., but handgliding? Isn't it a lil too extreme? No? Well, it is for me ^^

** I wanna see stars from the beach **
Stars! Oh how I love starry night. When I see stars above, I can't think of anything else except people I love and care. It's like all things buzzing around in my head - no matter how trivial they are - are swept away. They are of no importance anymore. I've seen sky full of stars only twice. In Mount Batur, Bali and here in Japan (Mount Fuji). Those were the moment when I had nothing to complain about in life *only trivial things ^^* But now I'm afraid, the next time when I get a chance to spend a night watching stars, I would not be able to feel the same way again. That's why, this wish comes along with a great promise I shall receive. Well, I just have to wait and see. Once He's decided the right time, no matter who that person is, we'll go straight to the beach hahaha *hhh silly*

** Sketch everywhere I go **
Now that's the real fun. I've started taking pics of places I love the most and have strong impression with in Japan a month ago, sketch roughly and watercolor it. When I go to another country, I will do the same. A great way to add a personal taste to your trips *haiaahh what da...* But having accustomed to oil painting, watercolor is a struggle. I'm no good at it *sob* the same with sketching. I'm so helpless hahaha yosshh keep trying, I'm not giving up *that's the spirit!!! hihi* To be real honest, that's not the real issue here. I don't feel the same joy everytime I pick up the brush. Feel nothing. But it doesn't matter for me if I get no joy in return, I don't wanna lose what used to be my only passion in life. Besides, as I said, make my dull days here *haha* and my great future trips more personal. Hey that could be a good motto!

** Mediterranean Cruise **
Remember when I said I wanted to take cruise with my fam? Well, guess what! They gave the nod to the plan. Yayy!! All left is God's yes hahaha I will not know it until I really get on board with them. That's when I know He's opened a way, right?!

** Jerusalem **
Again, it's up to Him. Oh well, all my wishes are on His hand. What can I do except trusting Him?

** Learn pottery **
I want to try to make pottery. Hhh love to make something with my own hands ^^ Mainly because I can pour my emotion into whatever I make. For example, if I want to dedicate a painting to my dad, I choose the object he likes the most. When I paint, I think of him. *I did paint for my dad and mom. Orchid. I didn't tell them ^^* Even when I don't particularly do it for someone, I do it for myself. So, there's always emotion in it. This time, I want to express myself through pottery. Can hardly wait.

** Future cafe **
You know, there's this lil resto in Machida. Luce. It has a friendly atmosphere and very homey. I like being there. I've eaten there once. At that time, I said to him if I ever made my dream of having a cafe come true, I would like it to have the same atmosphere. People would feel like they are eating in their home. And you should see the toilet. Totally love it! So Sweet!!

Other wishes... let me keep them to myself. Between me and Jesus only hahaha
ciao ~

Posted right from da office

Today's da best day in office so far. There are only 6 of us, the rest are taking their day off including all my colleagues from the same group. Now that's the best part *tee hee* Um but I'm kinda lost. I've finished all tasks given to me days ago and now I have nothing to do. Despite that, I'm high spirited. Time's passing by slowly. And now I can put my mind to rest and just enjoy the cloudy sky. Yes, had an early shower this morning, and now the color of the sky is amazingly beautiful greyish-white. Calming. The sky after the rain is always beautiful.

During ordinary week days *by ordinary means approximately 23 people present ^^* I'm so low in spirit, my mind keeps working and no matter how beautiful the sky is I just can't appreciate it. It seems to me, the more beautiful the sky the sadder I would be. Lack of gratitude? Perhaps. But for me, this is the point where I don't like to be absorbed into my surrounding *eeh? what's the connection? haha* I want to lead my life with my own pace. If I want it fast, then I'll go fast, vice versa. It's the same with work. I'll finish my work before deadline, but let me do it my pace. I would love to have my hands full. Full enough so that no one can dictate and just give me freedom on what pace I should do my job. Depends on my mood hahaha as long as I have them finished before deadline it shouldn't be a problem, am I wrong?? hoho I'll slow down when I feel like it and I'll rush if my mood allows me too ^^. But I don't have that luxury here. Speaking of Japan, you would expect to be forced to finish any task fast. Well no! Not where I work. They keep giving me daily basis tasks. So I need to wait for them, in other words, I have to follow their pace. Hate it. *Ok, enough venting* I've promised days ago that I will not complain about my work again. Haha one last time.
...
We're going to church at Yotsuya. It's almost Easter.

*Day by day, it's easier although weekend is still a struggle*

saturday night

Had a small party, last Saturday until 2 o'clock in da morning, with inge, ellen, markus and dimas. We watched korean movie *no plot* ^^
I think I did well. Didn't screw up. Partly because I've reached the point where I practically feels nothing.

well yeah, it was fun. Hey see the pic! Ellen's new bed ^^

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Kasih itu sabar; kasih itu murah hati; ia tidak cemburu. Ia tidak memegahkan diri dan tidak sombong. Ia tidak melakukan yang tidak sopan dan tidak mencari keuntungan sendiri. Ia tidak pemarah dan tidak menyimpan kesalahan orang lain. Ia tidak bersukacita karena ketidakadilan, tetapi karena kebenaran. Ia menutupi segala sesuatu, percaya segala sesuatu, sabar menanggung segala sesuatu.

:: bhs indo nya lbh tepat. Kasih. klo love kan cinta ^^ ::

Around da world

Been reading travel-related article recently. And during lunch break today, I read an article about bicycling around the world. Imagine just how much fun it is! Pedalling around America and across four continents. They said it was a life changing trip. Like yeahh... of course! Four continents for four years and if you didn't feel it changed the way you think of yourself and the world, then you were out of your mind. Ow there were pics too. They took picture with some Kenya warriors, how cool is that?

Well, speaking of traveling, I do have my own dream. To taste a bit of freedom. Really want to know how it feels like to have your shoulder off burden. Free of any responsibility and I mean responsibility to myself, to my future. I don't care if it's only for a split second, a minute, an hour. I would certainly love to taste it. I'm planning my trip too. But haven't really decided which one to go for. Ehm, plan number one: spend a whole month in either Ireland or New Zealand alone *haven't made up my mind on the country yet* Um well yeah not completely on my own though, it would be boring like hell, don't you think? So maybe I would be enjoying solitude for 1 or 2 weeks and I'd have my mom accompany me. Sounds fun. Aimlessly wandering around the neighborhood to discover small, antique, local shops not written on the travel guidebook. To live freely.

*too good to be true?*

Ok, here's plan number two. Take a cruise with mom, dad and my brother. I really miss them and the thought of taking vacation with my family is one thing that keeps my soul from withering away. So I'm torn between the two options. But I must say it is wiser to go with my family hoho

Yosshh... above all, I will propose these plans to God *wink wink* Made mistake before for placing Him in my number two. I've paid the price or rather, still paying... *don't know*
This time, I'll make sure He's in charge of everything even the smallest things in my life ^^

Ciao... Eva's off to sleep
goodnight everyone

Lucky girl

I have my ups and downs in my faith. It is part of the process *it is best not to have it go down tho* but hey, I'm a human! As a human, you're expected to be wrong -> another excuse, pardon me ^^
But through it all, I can see God's grace and I know that I'm loved, so much loved by Him. Why? Well, you lose your faith and you regain it, over and over again. Isn't it enough proof that God loves you so much He cannot bear losing you? He puts that love back in your heart so you are able to love Him again. See? I'm so damn lucky. He is so good. Always speaks to me through my friends and family. They give me strength and will always do, I believe. So here I am, in this part of my life that I call "Lesson". Watched Pursuit of Happiness yet? *great movie* I wanna name chapters in my life too, sounds fun! Why Lesson? It is obvious. I have something inside that needs to be changed so I can bear lots of sweet fruits. God's own way in making me spark like a diamond. Stone�'s process of being a real diamond is tough. It has to be pressed real hard, but see d result. It is worth it. Perhaps, in the middle of the process, the stone asks God, "I don't wanna be a diamond, I just wanna live according to my will so I don't feel pain." *exactly what I feel right now, grin* But the stone knows, if it doesn't want to be processed, to be taught a lesson, it's going to be a mere stone, indistinguishable. So, I have to keep on fighting. Coz I do love diamonds *khukhukhu* Want my soul to be like one. But geez, toughest moment in my life.